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hope
concert
kodaxkoki
 He finally said that he loved me in context of a convo. He told me many months ago that he hates using it and hearing it and today he said it. I have read the text so many times that I have lost count. his LGMH

I HAS A WATER BOTTLE!!!!!
cooking
kodaxkoki

I got my KAT-TUN 2009 Break The Records water bottle in the mail today!!! I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD

LGMH
adorableness
kodaxkoki
I never thought that i could be this happy. I have a boyfriend who remembers who my favorite band is, how to make me smile, and what i find so adorable in him. He knows that when i am not in a good mood, all he has to do is say "chu" and i will smile. He loves making me smile and loves making me laugh. When i was in NYC for Jin's concert he texted me all the time to make sure i was ok. we even had a "fight" over who is the best. and he would never fail to say "I love you" within every conversation, usually many times. He asks me if it is ok if he MIGHT see a movie with his ex. He wants to make sure that it is ok with me that he sees her even if i know that nothing is going to happen. When i got back from NYC, he wanted me so bad but since i was tired he didn't do anything , even if i couldnt fight back if he tried anything. He let me sleep in his arms the entire night. He wanted to make sure that i was safe. He always makes sure that i am happy over his own emotions. We have some things in common, like music and football (american). I love that he cares for me so much. it is a relief to know that there are good guys out there. He also loves telling me that i am "a cutie". and he calles me beautiful even after i have just woken up and look like a mess. He has been such a boost to my self confidence ^^. I dont know what i would have done if i never had met him. I cant wait for thanksgiving break to be over so i can see him again!!! I love him so much!!

Happyness ^^
puppy nose
kodaxkoki
ok so I love my life right now. I have an AMAZING  boyfriend, loving family and friends, and I AM GOING TO JIN AKANISHI'S CONCERT ON SUNDAY!!!! I can't wait!!! It is going to be so AWESOME!!! I can't wait to hear "A Page", "Lovejuice", "Yellow Gold", "and "My MP3"!!!!!!! GAH IT IS GOING TO BE SO FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! *spazz attack*

and ontop of that....I THINK MY MOM GOT ME "CHANGE UR WORLD" CD+DVD PACK FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! (or at least i hope she did.....i sent her the link to it......) AND KAT-TUN IS GOING TO HAVE THE CONCERT DVD BY THE END OF THE YEAR!!!!! AND JIN IS GOING TO HAVE A YELLOW GOLD TOUR CONCERT DVD!!!!!!! SLAJGHEJRHGLKERGKEJBKLJEBVILERKGH *dead*

I leave for NYC in like 13 hours......i cannot contain my excitement. i am so freaking excited that i literally am jumping up and down..... *spazz attack*

ok so i was watching the Making of CUW and Koki is so freaking adorable......and when they panned over to him when he was playing the Shamisen i literally had to bite my pillow so that i didn't scream and wake up my roommates (it was 2AM). OMG KOKI IS SO FREAKING HOT WITH HIS PERM!!!!!!! <333333 *nosebleed*

ok i think i am done spazzing....for now... as soon as i get home on Monday i will write about the concert....along with pictures!!!!!!! SO CANT WAIT TO GO!!!!! *spazz*

(no subject)
cooking
kodaxkoki

rantCollapse )

CHANGE UR WORLD is comming out soon!!!!!!! heck yes!!!!!! so excited!!!!! i think i am going to by the DVD+CD one. so happy!!!!!!! and then 3 days after it comes out i will be in New York waiting for Jin's concert!!!!!! SWEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!! SO HAPPY!!!!!! and koki said he wrote 130 bars of rap......i cant wait to hear all of his raps!!!!! they are going to be AWESOME!!!! and the drummer from KORN dod the drums meaning that the songs are going to be rockerish!!!!! HECK YESSSSSSS!!!!!! I so cant wait!!!! and i cant wait to see the music vid!!!! I wonder what they are going to do for it?????? <3<3<3

friends suck
cooking
kodaxkoki
ok so today i went to the doctor and he basically told me that its my ovaries that is causing the pain. i am sure that i have told every doctor that i have been to that i have cysts on my ovaries and every single one has looked at all the other organs in my abdomen besides my ovaries and uterus. it upsets me that they have just finally figured out that my ovaries exist. but i am happy that i am finally on the road to treating my PCOS. but being relieved that i am on the way to treatment does not mean that i am no longer scared.....in fact i am more scared. i know that since it has to do with my ovaries that the most extreme that can happen is they could take them out. that scares me. i dont know what i am going to do. i need to talk to someone but nobody seems to be willing to lend an ear to just listen. they dont even have to comment, they just need to be there for me to talk to. i really wish someone would notice when i need to talk and not just me noticing that they need someone to talk to. it really sucks because i have tried telling them that i need to talk to them but they end up ignoring me. it really sucks. and i know that KaT-TUN comming out with a new single and Koki updating his manual should make me happy but right now i am so scared. i really wish that all of this wasnt happening to me. it is so hard to deal with all of this without the support of my friends. i mean they were there for me in the beginning but now they are ignoring me. oh well......i think i will just retreat into myself again and just deal with it myself since nobody is going to be there for me when i need them. >.<

hope is slowly being lost
cooking
kodaxkoki
so i am at home right now because i had to get my blood drawn. i am surrounded by a screaming 3 year old, 1 year old, and 9 month old. my stepmother is not of any help, and i dont know where my mother is. i cant go to a room by myself because i dont have a bedroom anymore. I am listening to an asian radio because it helps me escape. i sometimes wish that i had a normal family, but there is no normal. i just want a family that will recognize that you cant take care of 3 kids under 3 when one parent is in the hospital 2 times a week for a procedure that makes her forget how to mach simple colors, or forget when she has responded to an email.....3 different times. i feel so bad for the kids. i know they are being taken away from abusive homes but this isnt the right home for them. and on top of that they are ignoring their elder daughter and the stress she is going through. they dont see that she doesnt want to go home not for her friends but because her home life is stressful. she is also hurting at school from people ignoring her but that is a lesser hurt than her family screaming all the time. it hurts her to not want to go home. she is stressed about failing school because she has to be in the hospital a lot because of severe pain in her abdomen that is intermitten but it is enough to send her to the ER requesting Morphine to make it stop. she doesnt want to lose her funding for school because then she would have to live at home and lose her friends that she has made at college. she feels really bad because she knows that there are people in the world (and even within her friends) that have it worse than her so she doesnt want to complain. because of that she doesnt talk about her problems and keeps them hidden inside. she doesnt even tell her friends that they made (and keep making) a comment that really hurts her. it hurts her that when she tries to talk to other people they basically ignore her and push her away. it also hurts her that when she sees the people she tried to talk to around campus and in their dorm (where her other friends live) they think she is stalking them. she wants to let them know that she is not stalking them and that it is just a pure coincidence that she keeps running into them. she just wants to have more friends but apparently because of the way she acts or looks people just dont want to know her. they think that because she is silent all the time that she thinks she is better than them, while the truth is that she doesnt talk because she doesnt want people to make fun of her like they have in the past. she has been hurt by people and doesnt like for that to happen. she even lies to herself just to make herself feel better. she tells herself that soon someone will come along that will know exactly how she feels. she knows that probably will never come true but she thinks that for now its better to be lied to than to face the truth. she hates that she cant tell anyone what is going on and that she needs help. she feels like she is weak to ask for help. she knows that only the strong ask for help when they are weak but she just cant ask for help. she just wishes that she could be a different person and be able to deal with all of this like a normal person. she hates that it is so stressful and that nobody knows what she is going through because she doesnt like explaining it. it is just too long of a story for her tp explain. she wants to find someone who understands what she is going through. all she wants to do is not have to worry about education and family life. she wants to be a part of a normal family that notices when something is wrong. not just when she has to go to the hospital but also when she is sitting at home about to cry because she cant do anything to help because if she does  she gets yelled at. it hurts her to see that nobody cares enough to just call or text just to say hello. or sstop to tell her that she looks good that day. she needs someone to help her boost her selfesteem. she has no self esteem and hates her body to the point that she has stopped trying to look good because everytime she does, someone points out a flaw in what she is wearing. she has never been told that she is beautiful by someone that means it. she just wants to be noticed for once. it hurts her to be ignored all the time. and she is not only ignored by the other students, she is also ignored by her friends. she hates being left alone. she likes being surrounded by other people, but she hates the feeling of being alone in a crowded room. she doesnt even know who will read this but she hopes that someone will read this and reach out to help. she really needs someone to help her. she is slowly going down the drain and she doesnt know how to get out. she hopes that someone will open their heart to her and at least try to understand what is going on in her life. she is at the point that if someone told her that she could move wherever she wanted with no cost to her except that she had to never speak to her family again she would do it without even thinking about it. she would pack and leave in that instant. its not that she hates her family but she is just done with their drama. she is done trying to pretend that everything is okay. nothing is okay anymore. she wants to be done with all of their crap and wants to live a normal life. she hates that it isnt just her parents that are atressing her out....its her grandmother, stepgrandmother, great grandmother, and all their feuds. she hates the fighting. she hates that she thinks this way too. she just hates everything about herself. she didnt used to be this way, but because of the actions of the people around her, she has become this way. she wishes she could go back into the past and change the things that made her this way. she loved who she was only a few years ago. she was happy and did not care what people thought about her. she wants to go back to her more innocent times where she didnt know that poeple can be so mean. she wishes that people would just give up hate and live in a world full of love. she wants to be happy again. she doesnt like the feeling of lonelyness and loves the feeling of being close to someone. but after certain events she doesnt think that she can be close to someone anymore. it doesnt help that her friends have found a person that is perfect for her but he lives across the world and they never get to talk because her friends decide that it would funny to forget that she wants to talk to him everytime he calls. she hates the fact that she knows all about him but he only knows her name. her friends also forget to give him her email everytime that they talk to him. and it doesnt help that she really does like him but her friends are mean and dont tell her that he was on the phone while she was talking to them. it hurts her to hear them talk about him all the time. she is done with being alone and ignored. she always makes plans to be more outgoing and make friends, however, she always chickens out at the last second. she loves her friends but she hates when they push her to do things that she is uncomfortable doing. she really wants someone to notice that she puts hearts on her wrist not because they are cute but to remind herself that someone somewhere might love her and she needs to hold on for them, to maybe be able to find them one day. that is why she always has a pen or sharpie so that she can write on her arm and it will stay.

(no subject)
jin pout
kodaxkoki
ok so as some of you know.....ok like 2 people know on here but i know some people know that i have been in the hospital other times.This time I got a doctor that actually listened to me and read the report. it was such a relief that someone was finally listening to me. so I got some biopsies done of my bowels to either confirm or rule out some diseases.....i will find out in a week what the results are. ugh i am so far behind in my classes because i have missed like 2 weeks of school just because of whats going on with my body. it is so hard to keep up with my classes when i cant even go to classes due to my abdomen feeling like it is tearing in two. and i cant fail my classes or i will lose my funding and then i will not be able to go to college. and i am only a first year......how in the world did i get stuck with all this stress????? it is so frustrating >.< i kinda want to drop out but then all my funding will be gone. and i would lose all my friends here. i dont want to lose them. they mean the world to me.

so I wrote that all last night. I am currently waiting by the computer to buy tickets to Jin's Yellow Gold Tour 3010 NYC concert. $403.50 for three tickets but they are standing room only.....so i could get front row!!!!! I am so excited! just one more hour untill i can buy them!!!!!! I am still behind in all my classes but I am going to talk to a representative about dropping a class. that would help with the stress and workload. I am so torn right now, I am really stressed about school and whats going on with my body, however, I am so excited about the concert! I think that is the only thing that is keeping me from completly going out of my mind. I hope that I will get some answers soon.

and I want to send out a big thanks to everyone who has commented wishing me to get well. you guys are awesome! i want to send out a big hug to all of you! again thank you soooooo much!!!!!



Yellow Gold Tour 3010
adorableness
kodaxkoki
ok so I decided to look up the You&Jin concert recordings. I CANT FREAKING WAIT TO GO TO THE CONCERT! it is going to be amazing! I cant wait to hear "Love Juice" "A Page" "Yellow Gold" and all the other songs! i know i am going to cry when i get to the concert and i am not going to stop untill it is all over......maybe a week later i might stop LOL. I know i am going to be crying out of happyness because i am going to be there with my two best friends that introduced me to KAT-TUN and I am going to be supporting an amazing artist!!!!! 50 days untill the concert!!!!! and 5 untill i can buy the tickets!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!! man i am so freaking excited! all the crap that is going on cant touch this excitement!!!!! i am crying right now just thinking about being at the concert!!!! ok so i have to do HW now...... >.<

Happy
adorableness
kodaxkoki

so i found out more about PCOS and what my dr DIDNT tell me. i am just happy that i finnaly have people to talk to about my PCOS. and on another note my mother bought me flower sticker things that are dry erase. so i decided to put them up above my bed....


I had to represent LOL and yes Ueda had to be the butterfly ^_^